By Neil Simon

Auditions: February 27

6:00-8:30 PM




To audition, you must complete both steps below:

  • Sign up for an audition time HERE
  • Fill out an audition registration HERE

Shows: April 20, 21, 22, 23 and 27, 28, 29, 30 (all shows at 7:30 PM, except April 23 and 30 at 2:30PM)

Tech: April 16, 17, 18, 19

Rehearsals: Sundays through Thursdays

Actors will do cold reads from the script.

At a large, fancy townhouse, the Deputy Mayor of New York, Ken Gorman, is hosting a dinner party with his wife.  The only problem is that Ken has been injured by a gunshot, his wife has left, there’s no food, and Ken has instructed two trusted friends to carry on as though nothing is amiss.  As the confusions and miscommunications mount among the evening’s guests, the event spins off into classic farcical hilarity.

Descriptions of Roles

*Character age is somewhat flexible. The primary concern is that couples look like they “go together”

* The play is a typical farce – very fast-paced with verbal & physical comedy that requires a good range of movement.

* Some characters will be required to ‘smoke’ (herbal cigarettes)

Ken Gorman (Lead): Male, 40-50: Ken is Chris’ husband. He is a well-to-do, and well- spoken lawyer who takes charge of a very dicey situation. He is in his mid to late 40s and is Charley’s attorney and friend. Ken is pompous, serious, a know-it-all...when he can hear. About midway through the first act, Ken has a slight accident with a shotgun. It goes off next to his head and leaves him virtually deaf for a good part of the middle section of the show. Ken has to be shouted at, shouts in return and constantly can’t hear what is being said to him. Ken is the main driver of the comedy, actor must be able to handle fast paced dialogue.

Chris Gorman (Lead): Female, 35-45: Chris is married to Ken and is also a lawyer. She is an elegant, attractive woman in her mid to late 30s. She is nervous, neurotic, and easily flustered. She recently quit smoking but quickly falls off the wagon. She will be smoking prop cigarettes through most of the second act. Chris also has a few too many vodka martinis and plays slightly drunk starting about midway through the show. Chris does some physical comedy and will have to trip over a phone cord and fall on her face.

Claire Ganz (Lead): Female, 35-45: Lenny’s Wife. Claire is in her late 30s to early 40s. She is very concerned with appearances (hers and others) as well as being a smart- mouth who is seemingly amused by everything that is going on. (Not surprising considering how her husband is). She starts the play with a swollen lip, and is a gossip monger. Claire is a typical New York society wife who is sharp as a tack, with a witty sense of humor.

Leonard “Lenny” Ganz (Lead): Male, 35-45: Lenny is Claire’s husband and is also in his late 30s to early 40s. He is Charley’s accountant. Lenny and Claire have just wrecked his brand new BMW in a car accident on the way to the party and Lenny’s neck keeps locking up on him. Lenny is by far the most foulmouthed, irascible, sarcastic, outspoken member of the cast. He is also very likable and hilarious. He is very intolerant of the gossipy lifestyle that he is often involved in. Lenny has a bizarre three-page monologue at the end of the show where he is posing as “Charley” and tells his version of just what’s been going on around them. Lenny is also one of the main drivers of the comedy.

Ernie Cusack (Lead): Male, 45-55: Ernie is Cookie’s husband and a psychiatrist. He is also Charley’s analyst. He is in his late 40s/early 50s. He is smug and somewhat quiet and a calming presence in the midst of the storm of confusion, although he does lose it a couple of times. He tries to be as helpful as possible by assisting Cookie prepare the meal for the evening and is mistaken for the butler at one point. Ernie smokes a pipe.

Cookie Cusack (Lead): Female, 40-50: Ernie’s wife. Cookie is a flamboyant host of her own cooking show. She is in her mid to late 40s, garish, a bit ditzy and a dramatic personality and will be expected to deliver quite a bit of physical comedy. Cookie has a bad bad that she carries a special pillow with her everywhere, as she suffers from extreme back spasms. Her back is regularly going out with much screaming and gyration. A couple of times Cookie is actually forced to crawl on and off the stage due to her back ailments. Actress must have great physical comedy skills.

Glenn Cooper (Lead): Male, 30-40: Married to Cassie. Glenn is a candidate preparing to run for the New York State Senate. He is in his early to late 30s/early 40s and obviously quite ambitious and handsome. The TV cameras love him. He is constantly worried about his polished image and how his involvement in the possible crimes being committed all around him might impact his candidacy. Struggles with placating his wife, who is convinced he is having an affair (which he may or may not be).

Cassie Cooper (Lead): Female, 25-35: Cassie is Glenn’s trophy wife. She is younger, probably mid- 20’s to mid-30’s, very beautiful, jealous, insecure and totally nuts. She and Glenn hate each other. She doesn’t want to be there, she is constantly fighting with Glenn and she is constantly threatening divorce, as she obsesses over her husband’s relationships with other women. Cassie is a believer in the power of crystals and must rub her quartz crystal to calm herself down. She also hides in the bathroom a lot. At one point, to punish Glenn, Cassie tousles her hair and flirts outrageously with some of the other male guests. She also attacks Glenn with a cell phone (Brick like 1989 cell phone) off stage in a fit of rage.

Officer Welch (Supporting): All Genders, 30-50: A no nonsense, vigorous, straight talking, Veteran city police officer having a rough night; does not tolerate lying; sees through the "classy" facade that the others put up. Has a couple of smaller monologues. (Only appears in Act II.)

Officer Pudney (Supporting): All Genders, 25-35: Officer Welch's partner; Rookie Cop, a strong but silent type. Minimal lines. (Only appears in Act II.)

Send me any questions at [email protected]

Markus Baldwin


RUMORS is presented by arrangement with Concord Theatricals on behalf of Samuel French, Inc.